PRODUCT :

Nestle Black Magic Classic Favourites 174g

REVIEW:

My mum likes "taking the knee" as much as any octagenerian.

However since her arthritis has taken a turn for the worse during lockdown -

she feels it is increasingly difficult to get down there and show her support to end racism with our brave soccer players before kick-off.

Fortunately Black Magic came to the rescue!!

By dropping a couple of these delicious treats on to the carpet in front of the TV just before the whistle is blown,

she gets down quicker than Kaepernick or a London bobby.

And as they are all soft centered - she doesn't even need her teeth!!

Thanks Nestle.

RESPONSE: REJECTED

Janky has been hammering orders off the Amazon like any man in lockdown.

But since this online shop has got "political" and banned certain speech outlets - it is clear their game for 2021 is to run our lives in a more dictatorial way.

So when they send an email after every order saying "Your opinion matters - MR JANKY CRACKA FOOL, do you have a moment? We'd love to know how everything worked out with you. Please take a moment to review your most recent item" gone are the days of not bothering.

If you don't review, you will be placed on some sort of watch list - and the days of receiving "tat bought whilst drunk" will be over.

So I have tried my best - but for some reason the Big A has rejected all of my opinions.

I can't work out why.

PRODUCT: ESPOSTI 2021 POCKET DIARY

REVIEW: A fantastic diary

So far I am still in January, and it seems to be fairly accurate – let’s hope the other months work as well.

RESPONSE: REJECTED [Thank you for submitting a customer review on Amazon. After carefully reviewing your submission, your review could not be posted to the website ]

PRODUCT: “THE BEAGLES” –BEAGLES DOG T SHIRT

REVIEW: Incredible twist

I did not get it at first - but now I do -

So they have spun the name of the famous band "The Beatles" and made it into the "Beagles" - as it sounds similar

Then they have replaced the image from their famous album - A Hard Days Night - with dogs instead of Scause popsters crossing that famous road in St Johns Wood. I bought a pink one and it is AMAZING

RESPONSE: REJECTED

PRODUCT: BOSCH MICROWAVE

REVIEW: Microtastic!!

I can say no more.

RESPONSE: ACCEPTED

JCF

To celebrate “100 Days of Solitude” Janky is starting a new series – Bad Abstracts.

We’ve all become super-science junkies since the Apocalypse began, whether finding the Chinese data for chloroquine, and realising it was over the counter and so hoovering up the whole supply at Boots, Peckham – to having strong opinions on anti-virals and zinc in the early stages of the disease.

Most of my krew now know how to surf the deep research of PubMed, and cross refer research references, and the journey often ends in the most bizarre scientific experiment that it makes you think…”why bother to do it in the first place”. The experiment that is, not the surfing part.

It was on such a journey I came across Cold Mousey.

The epic started with – whatever happened to Jordan Petersen?. I thought the Tube and airwaves were very quiet from his teachings since it all began. Surely someone of his academic prowess would have pronounced on this strained strange world by now.

Sadly the poor fellow has been suffering addiction to the oft given benzodiazepines, and has been trying to get off them since the year began. Good luck JP. I remember Janky’s mamma having to do the same when I was in my teens. It ain’t fun for anyone involved. I can still visualise the dark purple of the semi salivated diazepam capsules as they flew to my face during another self-emollient, “never again/ just 1 more” guilt ridden episode.

An analysis through the world of PubMed – the only Pub to have stayed open throughout lockdown – showed no definitive treatment for this addiction, but it did show help for opiate withdrawal by using hyperbaric oxygen. But not in humans. In mice.

I won’t name the researchers or the institution – but usually all the mad stuff comes out of Italy or China now. First they had to get these little pets addicted.

“Easy bruv” – I hear all you county lines gangstas shout. “Just give them Fly Asses cell and there’s top of the range fentanyl delivered by scooter to the lab in minutes”

They have to be scientific about it – can’t have different doses and qualities of opiate for our scurrying little chums.

Once hooked, the dose is again straight from your dealers playbook, upped daily until the creatures are trying to ho’ their asses to the rats in the next door cage for change to get the next fix.

And then to business.

Cold Mousey starts with a shot of naloxone via their peritoneum. That’s abdomen to all of you out there – a particularly mean way of inducing it as I am sure their tails have a nice big vein.

And then symptoms of withdrawal begin. I did an imitation to Cruella to see if she could guess what I was doing.

Some mad dance? To the tune from Rocky Horror-

Take a jump to the left – shake your arms – do the wet dog – rear up like a Frankenstein – and….

Shit yourself.

Fortunately a session in a hyperbaric chamber prevents all this.

True science:

“ Abstract

Hyperbaric oxygen (HBO2) therapy reportedly reduces opiate withdrawal in human subjects. The purpose of this research was to determine whether HBO2 treatment could suppress physical signs of withdrawal in opiate-dependent mice. Male NIH Swiss mice were injected s.c. with morphine sulfate twice a day for 4 days, the daily dose gradually increasing from 50 mg/kg on day 1 to 125 mg/kg on day 4. On day 5, withdrawal was precipitated by i.p. injection of 5.0 mg/kg naloxone. Mice were observed for physical withdrawal signs, including jumping, forepaw tremor, wet-dog shakes, rearing and defecation for 30 min. Sixty min prior to the naloxone injection, different groups of mice received either a 30-min or 60-min HBO2 treatment at 3.5 atmospheres absolute. HBO2 treatment significantly reduced naloxone-precipitated jumping, forepaw tremor, wet-dog shakes, rearing and defecation. Based on these experimental findings, we concluded that treatment with HBO2 can suppress physical signs of withdrawal syndrome in morphine-dependent mice.

Keywords: Hyperbaric oxygen, morphine, opiate withdrawal, physical dependence, mouse “

Get well soon Jordan

JCF

You might want to start thinking of where to spend your "furlough-dough"

Here are some tips if the answer is COLOMBIA

Not your classic diving destination – but with both Pacific and Caribbean seas Traveller found himself diving in Taganga, near Santa Marta on the North coast.

Here are some tips should you find yourself in this part of the world.

DO

• Wear a smile on your face. “50 years of hurt” back home usually refers to a lack of football trophies – but here in Colombia it refers to 50 years of guerrillas. First the communist, closely followed by right wing paramilitaries, and then onto the narco-terrorists – but after half a century of kidnapping, bombs, extortions and wholesale nastiness – it is finally over. And boy are the locals happy, so put away all your British moodiness and party every night.

• Choose your dive locality well. The Pacific coast is tough and gnarly with the locations around an island that is quite difficult to get to. There are 2 beautiful islands in the Colombian Caribbean called San Andres and Providencia – these are favourite destinations of the local super-rich and so not very Colombian. Taganga is the cool hang out for backpackers and lower budget divers – it is rammed with dive shops so prices are competitive and has a good nightlife. To be recommended.

• Swing by the Escobars if you are in Medellin. For a few crispy 20 dollar bills you get to visit and chat with the surviving relatives still living in the city. No questions are off limits – so spend your time wisely and find out which regulators Pablo used to prefer as well as some of his favourite dive sites – no doubt visited in his own private submarine en route to satiating America’s nasal needs.

• Take your own sauce. For some reason Colombians prefer really dry food – chicken and pork are favourites, and avocado for any vegan needs. But unless you produce more saliva than Roy Hattersley – a bottle of Caesar dressing or Reggae sauce will brighten up your post-dive luncheon.

• Check out the graffiti or “urban art” as others call it. Colombia is now the worlds leader at this, and the 2 finest cities to find the new Banksy are Bogota and Medellin. There are free walking tours and a few well placed galleries where you could turn a hundred dollars now into enough to buy your own liveaboard in the future. You need to have the right “eye” though. And remember – what looks good there, has to look good against your own art collection at home – which I assume will be a big image of a shark, next to the poster of the chimp on the toilet reading the Telegraph. Like I have.

• Go to Jardin. Placed high in the Andes it clearly lacks any good dive sites – however in your downtime you may want to see THE quintessential cobbledy-streeted colonial town. On a Saturday night the town explodes to the noise of hundreds of horses dressaging round the town square with local farmers riding in their finery. A most spectacular sight, especially if you like horses - and farmers.

DON’T

• Let them forget that during the revolution led by Bolivar to kick out the Spanish, the most foreigners to die in this cause were the British. Quite what we were doing there at the time escapes me but it had something to do with miners and the large amounts of emeralds available. There is a famous British Cemetery in Bogota should you wish to pay your respects to our brave lads.

• Miss out on a game of “tejo” when here. This is unique to Colombia – and nowhere else in the world can you throw a heavy metal disc 18 metres across a room into a metre square clay target. In the middle of the clay sits 2 explosive wraps of dynamite on a metal ring. Big points when you hit them as the noise is akin to a small IED – which is effectively what it is. You play in a bar to the sounds of salsa and drink the local firewater called Aguardiente Antioqueno. Traveller needed 3 bottles before finally hitting the target.

• Fly to Colombia any other route than direct from Heathrow. South America has become a real pain to fly to from the UK – most flights hub through Schipol or Madrid which adds unnecessary time and chances of lost luggage to your journey. Avianca fly overnight and direct to Bogota and onward flight to anywhere in this country are cheap and no longer than 45 minutes. So with an evening departure from the UK, you could be in the water before noon relishing all those Caribbean eels.

• Expect to rent a XXL wetsuit here. Most Colombians are fitness nuts – their favourite sport is cycling, which they all do on a Sunday up and down Andean mountains. These big sizes are normally found wherever Brits and Yanks dive – as it is our nation’s most common shape. And as Colombia is off the regular dive tourist map you may need to bring your own wetsuit should you be the kind of guy that shops at Jacamo.

• Listen to advice about not accepting drinks from locals. As an Inglese you will be quite unique in the dive areas and what better way to welcome you than to slam a beer into your hand. Initially Traveller was reserved about this, but to say no causes a lot of offense. Go with the flow and you will not end up in a hedge minus your wallet and a kidney. That only happens in South East Asia.

• Learn how to “moo” and “oink” properly before arrival. All meat in restaurants is simply called “carne”. If you don’t mind which particular animal it is, then don’t bother. But if you want to know as you have gravy in one hand and apple sauce in the other then a firm grip of animal sounds will get you far. Don’t bother with any lamb bleating as sheep don’t seem to exist here – perhaps the llamas ate them all.

Gracias.

JCF

Have you ever sat across from the dive doc during your medical or a consultation and thought – “Yes, I could do that – it looks easy!”

Well now is your chance to see if you are cut out for this profession or whether you should stay in your old one at GCHQ or Parliament.

Let’s do the Dive Doctor Quiz.

Q1-

You get a call from the Coastguard. They have just picked up a 50+ year old male diver found floating on the surface with a deployed SMB. He is barely conscious and there are remains of pink sputum around the mouth. An SOS bracelet on his wrist shows him to suffer hypertension and diabetes. What do you do?

A1 – Prep the helopad, and have a gurney waiting with some oxygen and an IV line ready for insertion. Check the defib is powered up and get the anaesthetist ready. Have a nurse with cardiac experience ready to go in the chamber as well, should the need for any rescuss be required. This could be a lung barotrauma from rapid breath holding ascent – maybe he was caught in the SMB. But there could be overlying heart problems coming at you too.

A2 – Explain that they have called the wrong number and put on a fake Chinese accent and keep saying you need to spend over 20 quid for free delivery.

Q2 –

An email from a 35 year old female diver comes in. She writes that since a series of 6 dives in Malta, 2 of which she missed her safety stops – that she has not felt quite right. Symptoms include lethargy, muscle pains and a persistent occipital headache. She has no other medical history but she has also noticed an increase in breast size on the left.

A1 – Never say never. Remember the mantra – “if it was not there before the dive, but is there since – blame the dive”. Get her in for full assessment and read up on bubbles in the lymphatic system that can cause some breast swelling.

A2 – Tell her she is simply depressed and to go and find a councellor.

Q3 –

A potential diver has come in for a PADI medical as they have ticked 2 boxes on the medical declaration. One is for epilepsy, the other for a previous pneumothorax 2 years ago. They are really keen to learn to dive as their partner is already qualified.

A1 – Tell them that there is zero chance of passing the medical as these are 2 of the biggest no-no’s to recreational SCUBA diving, but gently explain there are plenty of other past-times they can engage with, with their loved one.

A2 – Do the whole medical, warts and all, take the money – then fail them with a degree of derision that they ever thought it was possible to pass.

Q4 –

A 25 year old female asthmatic is in for a BSAC medical. After a few minutes it becomes clear that her asthma is really badly controlled. Her GP has given no advice on inhaler technique, and even then she is on the wrong inhalers anyway. There has been no asthma revue at any time and she has just started smoking due to work stress.

A1 – Stop the medical. Work out what she should be taking for her asthma, such as more preventers and less relievers. Write a note for her to take to her GP explaining your reasoning, and then review her 2 months after she has been put on better meds. She may well pass, but give her the Stop Smoking info leaflet you have had printed recently.

A2 – Give her the number of your Romanian bootleg ciggy dealer and tell her asthma is all in the mind.

Q5 –

Your local dive club is having a Club Night. As it is on the last Friday of the month, you have the evening free and are ready to hit them with some fine talks. How do you prepare and proceed?

A1 – Write a fine Powerpoint on something seasonal. From their website you see they are all going to Egypt next week, and so a talk about diving in hot climates with chances of Gippy Tummy would be good. Likewise a special section on hydration and DCI would be useful for them too. Leave after a simple shandy – remember you are not at Med School any more.

A2 – Roll up a fashionable hour late after a pre-lash at the nearest Witherspoons. Tell them you have lost your laptop and so are happy to chat with a few of the prettier members of the club. Mention that BMA rates for your time equate to 200 quid behind the bar and proceed to drink that in Creme de Menthe. Your Grand Finale is to be sick in the pool as they are running a Try-Dive for some local disabled children.

Q6 –

A male diver of 45 has just returned from the Red Sea with a rash across his chest that developed immediately after a dive where he lost buoyancy at 25 metres and hit the surface. He has symptoms of lethargy as well, enough to have called work to take the day off despite it being of upmost importance.

A1 – Clearly a skin bend with extras. Prep the chamber and tell him to call work to say he might not be in for 2 or 3 days depending on how he responds to the treatment.

A2 – Blame a new washing powder for the rash, and jet lag for the lethargy. Go back to your Suduko as there’s only a few squares yet to fill in.

Q7 –

A BBC journalist who has been injured by an IED and left paraplegic comes in for a medical. He has been told he can never dive again, despite it being his first love. Is there anything you can do?

A1 – Yes, he is otherwise fit and well. Pass him and put him in touch with a diving charity that supports diving for the disabled. Their care and attention will get him back into the blue and fulfil his dreams.

A2 – Agree with the others and say there is no chance. Charge an exorbitant fee for this advice as a means of retrieving your TV licence fee.

Q8 –

A charming Kiwi diver comes in for an HSE medical as he is a PADI Dive Instructor. He has a reputation for competitiveness and is young and healthy. How do you do the fitness test?

A1 – Tell him that most English divers can do the step test in under 3 minutes. Watch as he comes in under the time by a full minute and congratulate him on his Antipodean perseverance.

A2 – Send him out to clean your car and run to the shops to buy your lunch. All in under the time it takes you to write FAIL in big letters across the medical form. That’ll learn him for supporting the wrong rugby team.

Q9 –

It’s the EUBS annual medical conference. The European Underwater and Baromedical Society meeting is an important part of your post-graduate education and also a chance to meet other doctors working in your rarefied medical area. This year it is in Prague – how do you do this?

A1 – Prepare a couple of talks. As a UK chamber you see way more divers than any EU chamber and they will find your presentations useful for the occasions a landlocked country actually sees a case of DCI. You can learn from them about all the cases of diabetic feet and carbon monoxide they get more of that the NHS currently refuses to fund. Wear black tie for the gala dinner and learn to say “hello” and “cheers” in 5 different languages.

A2 – Turn up on Day 1 to get your badge and the conference notes. Return on the final day to get your attendance certificate. Spend the time in between at as many bars as is humanly possible and rock up in shorts and a Brexit T-shirt for the dinner - only to punch out a couple of German doctors.

Q10 –

You are on a diving holiday travelling incognito. There is a disaster waiting to happen. Your Sharm dive boat has decided to pull another boat that has become stuck on the reef due to the tide, off it by throwing a rope that they attach to a bronzy chunk of metal. You know what is going to happen next. What do you do?

A1 – Go to the back of your boat because at any moment it is one of those BBC Casualty scenarios where stupid people end up near dead. Wait for the gunshot sound of rope snapping or the metal flying at your boat. Go clear up the mess afterwards, where 2 deckhands have been hit by flying rope and metal as their fellow crew are now wailing and preparing the funerals. Place a hand on their necks and find pulses and say in Arabic that all is well.

A2 – Remain near the bar below-decks. Use the distraction to hoover up the last of the imported beer and at the sound of the screams go quickly up to pronounce everyone dead and arrange the burial at sea, despite the muffled grunts emanating from the body bags. Charge accordingly at BMA rates for Sea Funerals. That will cover the cost of the whole trip. Proper sick.

HOW DID YOU DO?

All 1’s.

Sir or Madam – I think you have what it takes to become that most celebrated of medical professional – the Dive Doctor. Only a few make it to these giddy heights – perhaps there are only under 20 good ones in the whole of the UK. Worldwide that is still under 3 figures. So prepare yourself for 15 years of hard graft – but one day you will make it.

All 2’s.

Oh Dear. You seem to lack empathy, nous as well as common-sense. Stay in Parliament where you can get away with these failings.